This list will be updated regularly. I encourage you to submit your questions to me. The most original ones will be rewarded with a fine bottle of Bollinger 1995.
First Question: Why did you make this FAQ-list?
People ask me many things. About me, about life, about Rutger Hauer, about science, and, weirdly enough, about peanut butter. It is a pity not to share these questions and answers with you, my dear reader. If you’re amazed by the subtle humour of the answers, I must disappoint you. I have currently 13 ghostwriters working for me day and night. They came up with most of this text.
Is it true that a peanut butter sandwich falling off a table ends buttered side down?
Yes, because of the height of the table. This height determines how much of a revolving movement around its axis the sandwich can make, and that determines whether the buttered or non-buttered side will end up on the floor. The average height of a table is 40 inches, or 101 Euro-inch aka centimeters. This implies that the sandwich just hasn’t enough time during the fall to make a complete revolution. However, there is enough time for half a revolution. In other words: the sandwich is doomed to end with its buttered butt down. My computations show that a table has to be nine feet high to enable the sandwich to make a complete revolution. But who wants to? Revolutions have never worked, and never will. What the world needs is an enlightened dictator with a feel for uplifting movies. Keep checking my site for updates about the new and upcoming totalitarian regime. I’m doing it all for you, folks! But let’s get back to peanut butter.
O.K. But if a peanut butter sandwich always lands buttered side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a peanut butter sandwich on the back of a cat and dropped it?
I’ll get back on that question soon. I am too hungry now.
Where do you get your ideas?
At a store called ‘Bearly Used’ in Holmen, a small town in Wisconsin, USA. The Sardina Café in Torreira, Portugal, is a solid second.
When I close my eyes very hard, I see whirling circles that overlap and weird kaleidoscopic specks of light. Why?
The effect will be massively enhanced when you stick your head in a blender.
How did Houdini manage to escape? Mindpower? Muscle control?
His wife smuggled the correct keys in his mouth when she gave him a thorough tongue kiss to wish him good luck just before his escapes. He died from a couple of hammering blows in his stomach from a boxing student. Tongue kisses didn’t help this time. His wife had to be surgically separated from him.
My pet frog has developed a severe case of dropsy. I need help. Quickly!
The situation is possibly caused by bacteria, but it is much more likely a metabolism disorder – resulting from poor climactic maintenance or improper diet, or a proper diet but a wrong method of bringing the food in (with a straw, for example. If you did this you are very lucky that it’s only a dropsy case…you could have been trying to get the frog-shrapnel from the wall with nailpolish-remover. Bet you know better ways to spend a Saturday afternoon.) Dropsy appears as bloating and soft dermal abnormalities around the abdominal region. The treatment demands a mastery of fine motorics, involving puncturing the wounds if they aren’t near the eye region. Even the one book I was able to find that describes this illness, strongly recommends seeing a specialist for treatment. Go see a doctor. Frogs get really stressed when you transport them, so your best bet is to do this as quickly as possible, with as little handling as possible. This is a time when freaked frogs tend to hurt themselves, particularly by smashing into walls, trying to commit last minute suicide and attempting to pinch the last juice out of an about to be blocked credit card, and other stuff that tends to happen in panics. Once you get a frog, a period of quarantine is recommended. Oh yes, and don’t shock the frog’s system by using tap water – Perrier seems to work fine in most cases.
My frogs flourish beyond description since I give them the bi-weekly Veuve Cliquot treatment.
Tell us something we don’t already know
That’s not a question. It’s a command dressed up as a question. What are you? A German?
Since you’re mentioning the Germans… Why don’t you ever write about German cinema?
The same reason I never write about Chinese stand up comedy. It would give me more time off, I think, though.
How many Stefan de Vrieses does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: one who says he’s doing it, another one guarding the door to prevent people from looking, and a third to go on with whatever he was doing before the damn lightbulb became an issue in the first place.
What’s another word for synonym?
That’s a question I’ve never been asked before. So… it is not exactly a frequently asked question, is it? Which means you’re way out of line here. Try to freak me out? Go see a doctor.